Gut instinct vs blind truth.

How did I get here?

I’m a spiritual being who is always seeking to learn more. My spiritual beliefs were used against me. Her words, her language and her beliefs were slowly weaved into my life within a trusting therapeutic relationship. I came to her for therapy and spiritual growth and later unbeknown to me and without my permission, the game was changed on me. The agreement was broken because she began to author and impose her truths to be mine, instead of encouraging my own authorship.

Although I may not have understood the teachings, I trusted her, in her role, to do no harm, and to help me heal and grow. But as I later found out, I was expected to follow blindly in trust.

There was an expectation for me to continue to do her tech support as well as a constant pressure to take on her teachings, as a priority for humanity. I was told and believed we were making a better world.

Slowly, little by little I was being groomed to let go of self and to serve a greater good.

I was being coerced incrementally using the relationship. I questioned everything about myself, including my gut and natural instincts – my true safety alarm of what’s okay, and not okay for me. I have no problem learning humility and letting go of ego. But let’s be clear, that those are two very different things than letting go of self. In actual fact I was being broken down to be compliant, coercing me into doing what she needed, for her. She was picking and choosing the relationship depending on her needs or how it served her at that time.

Based on what she has been taught, I don’t doubt she truly believes in her teachings and that what she is doing is right in her mind – possibly a victim herself; but now I was entangled in this. And she was my psychologist.

The more I questioned, the more I felt a shift in her energy in the relationship, and towards the end, the therapy sessions were ramping up, becoming a lot harsher. My therapist who used to be gentle and kind was now being impatient, unkind, harsh and generally disrespectful in her behaviour – there was a power imbalance, and it became more and more evident.

I found myself in the last session 'splitting', physically trembling, the same way I do in a moment I am triggered by my childhood trauma and abuse.

As I watched her sitting there on the other end of the screen flicking at the corner of her notepad in her lap, I told her I now felt unsafe with her and re-traumatised, but none of it was addressed. My feelings were dismissed. Her explanation for her harshness was that she was not talking to me, but to my 'spirit' (her definition of the un-evolved part of me) – which is really an excuse for her to be abusive.

This was not my story anymore. I was harmed and left unsupported, extremely confused and disorientated with love bombing ‘I love you’ before we said goodbye.

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~ noun [C] (EVIL PERSON) a person who does very cruel and evil acts

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